Posted 8:46 PM by Dr_Rock
Mr VeryVeryBored has been considering the merits of home improvements. Reading his adventures with door-to-door salesmen reminded me of the days before I was a fully-fledged, card-carrying member of the National Union of Cynics. I was a naive new homeowner, and Mrs Rock was just "the woman I lived with".

The then Castle Rock was in need of some wardrobes - some nice fitted ones, with floor-to-ceiling mirrored doors to make the room seem bigger were in order, we reckoned. A grand should cover it, we thought (eight years or so ago), and so we set off to a showroom full of just the sort of things we were after.

It seems obvious now, but the alarm bells should have started ringing as soon as we started asking about prices. The showroom staff insisted that they couldn't give us a price, because all the units are custom-built for each customer. If we were interested, they added, the best thing would be to have a salesman call, and he could give us a quote that meets our exact needs. Even when I asked about the price of the showroom fittings, no monetary answer was forthcoming. But we fell for it, and a few days later the salesman called and spent a lot of time selling us the options, and drawing up pictures of what our room could look like. Then came the punchline - the total cost would be a mere £3000 (give or take some loose change). Embarrassed, Mrs Rock-to-be and I looked at each other, and then apologised for wasting the salesman's time. This figure was way more than we could afford, never mind what we were prepared to pay.

He thought about it for a while. How much were we thinking of?
About a thousand, we said.
He thought some more, and then announced a special offer that his company were about to embark on - massive discounts for having two rooms done at the same time.
Sorry, it's a one bedroom house, we said.
Well, I can still do you a discount if you recommend a friend or family member to have a room done at the same time.
Sorry again, we don't know anyone else who wants fitted wardrobes
Another thoughtful pause. Then the killer - Well, between you and me, I'll piggyback another customer on your order, and make it look as if they're your recommendation.

I should have shown him the door there and then - but I was taken in. Can you really do that?
Well, no, I shouldn't, but no-one will know. And I'll do you everything for just under £2000.

Cutting an already long story a mite shorter, we went for it. And they were good wardrobes. A bugger to clean, mind you, all that mirror, but good nonetheless. But ever since the day I signed the contract, I've wondered how much I should really have paid for those wardrobes...

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Posted 8:17 PM by Dr_Rock
I spoke too soon. Clearly this particular complainant got so hot under the collar that it took an extra week for them to cool down enough to vent their spleen. However, this year a complaint with a difference - no reference to Tiddles, tourists or even litter. This year's complaint is that Airbourne "under the disguise of fun and amusement covers up the real purpose...which is to act as a recruiting platform for the armed forces".

Apparently the ground-based displays and stands which were represented in the local newspaper with pictures of youngsters holding guns and standing next to soldiers / sailors / airmen were merely a promotion for the military. The pictures were described by the correspondent as "sickening".

Hmm, should I be concerned by eleven-year old boys holding submachine guns? I think not. After all, if it's good enough for the Islamic Fundamentalists, then why shouldn't it be good enough for us? The youth of today have no direction, no sense of purpose, no understanding of values - doesn't the role of teenage suicide bomber answer all those shortcomings? And think of the added bonus for the country - one less youngster to find a job for, and one less strain on the state pension fund in 50-odd years time...

Ah, but I'm being flippant. Some people need to take a happy pill and relax a little. It can't be healthy being so up tight. Sure, the event promotes the military - the very military that we civilians rely on for our nation's security. And if some kids leave the event thinking that they'd like to be a part of defending our country, or helping another, then surely that's a plus. And I have to say that as one too young to remember the two World Wars, the sight of a Spitfire flypast brought a lump to the throat, and a moment of poignant reflection to the memory of those who have given their lives to allow people like me - and even those who would have Airbourne banned as a military recruitment fair - the ability to air our views, no matter how ridiculous...
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Posted 7:58 PM by Dr_Rock
OK, I stand corrected. I've waited nearly two weeks and not a single complaint in the Eastbourne Herald about the noise or lower life forms (that's tourists to you and me) as a result of Airbourne 2003. In fact, remarkably enough there was a letter of praise, though it was a strange letter.

It came from a couple who moved to Eastbourne last year, and who enjoyed last year's Airbourne so much they invited their grandchildren to stay for the weekend of this year's event. To set the scene, the kids were obviously entertained with a number of events, and on their return home had written thankyou letters to their grandparents, highlighting the best bits of their weekend. The elder, a 13-year old, wrote "... the fish and chips was lovely though in hindsight a large cod may have been more sating.". I'm sorry? 13-year olds do not say "more sating" - unless I've been caught in a tear in the fabric of space and time, and have slipped back into the 1930's...
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Posted 4:28 PM by Dr_Rock
At long last I can acknowledge the fact that the number of hits for this slice of blogdom has reached four figures. I sometimes wondered whether it would ever happen, but thanks to someone at Kent County Council in search of information regarding young seagulls, I can relax.

10,000 hits? I reckon at current rates, that will happen around April 2nd 2008...
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Posted 10:23 AM by Dr_Rock
"My name's Dr Rock, and I'm a crap TV addict" (er, that's supposed to infer that I'm an addict of crap TV, not that I'm not very good at being addicted to television).So begins my admission to Television Anonymous - you know the sort of thing, "I started with a little Pop Idol, but I can handle it. I can switch it off at any time I want..." Unfortunately I've seen more of BBC's Fame Academy than is healthy. The good news is that I haven't been following the extra shows on BBC3 or wherever they're being broadcast (so some good did come from the scaffolding for the loft conversion completely blocking my satellite reception), but I have to admit I've seen the BBC1 broadcasts of the last few Saturdays.

And because of this, I find myself shouting at the TV in complete disbelief with each round of voting - as if I should expect the results to be fair in any way, for heaven's sake. Last night, the judges rescued Peter, the bloke they've already described as "making singing out of tune an art form", with the reasoning that that Fame Academy is all about "being unique". I obviously missed the bit where the programme was renamed "Unique Academy". But Peter certainly is unique, on account of the fact that he simply cannot sing. Actually that's not true - Alex can't sing either.

Still, if it's unique they want, then I should be on the show, and I'd be a surefire winner, because my voice is so bad that I even mime when singing in the shower. As I explained to Mrs Rock last night that I don't know any notes, she defended me by explaining that I do know some notes, just not in the right order. Which is generous, coming from the second-worst singer in the world.

Rant over. I'm off to call my sponsor.
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Posted 12:34 PM by Dr_Rock
This weekend sees Eastbourne's "other" big annual event (after the tennis) - the airshow known (for one year only) as Airbourne 2003. Four days of air displays from all sorts of aircraft, plus on-the-ground displays of motor vehicles, aircraft-related memorabilia, and other assorted fun for the kids. The highlight, as ever, will be the Red Arrows with their displays on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Between 250,000 and 500,000 visitors will bring their hard-earned pennies to the town.

A fantastic day out for all the family, and with the weather being so nice, no scope for complaint. Or so you'd think. But as usual, there will be complaints all over the letters page of the Eastbourne Herald. It just depends whether the old gits get a pre-emptive strike in, in time for this week's edition, or wait impatiently for the event to finish and thus wait for next week's copy.

The favourite complaints will be:
"I think this event is a disgrace. My poor Rover / Tiddles / insert-name-of-favourite-pet-here hated every minute of it. The noise had him/her shaking for weeks. Why can't they use quieter planes, blah blah blah..."
"I think this event should be stopped. The town was full of tourists for four whole days (ugh, the very thought of it makes me shudder). I had to share the pavements, the shops AND my favourite seafront bench with people who don't live here. It was horrible. I pay my council tax and I think there's no need for Airbourne blah blah blah..."

So to all those letter-writers: STOP YER MOANING © Danny & Nicky In The Morning.
You live in a seaside resort. Tourism is what makes this town tick - have a look from your seafront bench at all the hotels on the seafront. Who do you think pays for their existence, and the employment of so many in the town? It's only four days a year - Tiddles will get over it. The money is great for the town, the prestige is great for the town. If you don't like it, move to Hailsham.

Or perhaps we'll ask that nice Fatboy Slim chap to throw a party here instead...
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Posted 10:50 PM by Dr_Rock
but she's a girl reports having received a Googlewhack - a two word Google search that returns only one hit. Not a term I was familiar with until about 30 minutes ago, it reminded me of the innocent days when I first entered the ranks of the permanently employed.

The internet was just an embryonic idea, so Google, let alone a Googlewhack, was unheard of. Yet the team I worked on, a motley crew of weirdos and warped humourmongers, apparently way ahead of its time, decided to hold a competition to create a two word phrase that, in our humble opinions, was unlikely to have been uttered anywhere else in the world, ever.

The winning phrase was "jupiter aardvark". It became a euphemism in our team for a phrase that's become commonly abbreviated to "ffs", which when uttered out loud was to be met with the response "I bet that's never been said anywhere before" from the rest of the team. Which of course it had, as soon as our competition was complete. But technical accuracy was never something that troubled us, though perhaps as IT "specialists" it should have.

So talk of this Googlewhack got me to wondering as to whether "jupiter aardvark" still holds that same uniqueness. And do you know what? It doesn't. Pah.

Still, it would be easy to ruin someone's Googlewhack by adding their two words to your site and sitting back whilst the search engines do their thing. But I won't. Mind you, if you follow the link to bsag's blog, you might just mind yourself asking just why someone would want to search for those two words anyway...
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Posted 8:30 PM by Dr_Rock
Further interesting news from Eastbourne this week:

• A father visiting his son for the first time in nine months was this week found guilty of drink driving. Having driven down from the Midlands, the visit ended up in a row, the father was asked to leave... ...and was shopped to traffic police by his son. Oh, the pranks our children play, huh? It will be at least twelve months before this father visits his son again - that was the length of the ban he received at Eastbourne magistrates this week...
  
  
• Boy racers have returned to certain parts of Eastbourne. Residents of the square in question have taken registration numbers and passed these onto police, but without success. The police report that they are "concentrating efforts on burglary, vehicle crime and violence", and that "police needed the efforts of local residents to sort such problems out". So what exactly is reporting the crime to the police and providing the necessary evidence to catch the culprits?

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Posted 8:24 PM by Dr_Rock
And as if to prove a point, the adage that "good news is no news" is proven by the story tucked away on page nine that "Eastbourne's pier is the most popular in Britain". According to a survey of visitor numbers, the town's pier is the ninth most popular free attraction in the country, beating York Minster into tenth place. And if there hadn't been a Government drive to boost the visitor numbers at museums by insisting that they offered free admission, there are chances that the pier would have beaten London's Natural History, Science and V&A museums. A far cry from this, it must be said.
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Posted 8:03 PM by Dr_Rock
The editorial of this week's Eastbourne Herald makes interesting reading - and amuses somewhat if you're no fan of the Group Editor. He complains that last week's drugs raids in the town were bad news:

"Bad because it shows what a drugs problem we have here in Eastbourne. The publicity - top story on the BBC local news - of drugs raids here was bad publicity. It sent out a message to the south east that we have a big problem"

Coming from a man who has defended past complaints about sensationalist headlines (some of which I would dare to suggest have verged on the libellous) by stating that it is his newspaper's job to report the news, good or bad, brings to mind the words pot, kettle and black. And in keeping with the journalistic adage that "good news is no news", I can report that the Herald's own coverage of the drugs raids consisted of pages 1, 2 and 3 of last week's issue. And there may have been more, I never counted before discarding it to the bin.

Oh, and this week's front page headline?

"We will rid this town of drug scum"

Hardly likely to be second fiddle to the Women's Institute Cheese and Wine Party, is it?
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Posted 1:26 PM by Dr_Rock
My workplace is a bit of a maze - it's not unusual to see newcomers wandering around with maps and/or three days worth of stubble (and that's just the women - yuck!) as they try to find their way to a particular room. When it comes to fire prevention and protection, the building is divided into zones. When a fire is detected, the alarm sounds constantly in that zone, and evacuation is mandatory. In the surrounding zones, the alarm sounds intermittently, and evacuation is at the individual's discretion.

So, let's set the scene today:

It's 12:45. The temperature is an estimated 26C, and there's a slight breeze in the air outside. The air conditioning is off because the auxiliary generator is on (routine maintenance on the main generator today), and it vents straight into the air intake for the air conditioning unit (please don't ask why). So breathing is akin to gargling porridge.

The fire alarm sounds intermittently, it's screeching out about a zillion decibels. It could be a temporary thing, but no, the alarm keeps ringing. I look around, and no-one is moving. I secure my workstation (conscientious or what?), and look around. No-one is moving. I leave the building to assemble myself at the gathering point, and there are about a dozen people outside - and still no-one from my office has moved. What drives some people's thought processes?

Still, come Thursday morning, after two intermittent rings of the alarm test cycle, these same people will be yelling "shut the f**k up" in the direction of the back wall of the office, where the alarm is situated. There's nowt as queer as folk, as some stereotypical Northerner might say...
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Posted 8:36 PM by Dr_Rock
As a weather-related aside, can any of Turned Out Nice Again's Hampshire-based passers-by answer a question for me? Is Bournemouth beach completely full of the most attractive young women cavorting topless in the surf at the first sign of sunshine? I ask because this is the impression I've been given this week by that well-respected organ of truth and family values, The Sun.
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Posted 8:07 PM by Dr_Rock
At last the weather desists from the recent temperatures that seemed to be an attempt to melt the thermometer, and so us whinging Brits can ease off our moaning about the weather, right?

Wrong.

Today of all days the heatwave disappeared in a cloud - no, make that several clouds, in fact a complete skyful of clouds - of torrential rain, accompanied by the sorts of winds that make you want to get off your bicycle and walk it to work before the local population of arthritis-ridden, zimmer-frame-supported old dears start overtaking you. And when exactly did the builders plan to rip a big hole in our roof to install the dormer window of Castle Rock's latest home improvement? Yep, today.

I hate this wet and windy weather...
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Posted 8:22 PM by Dr_Rock
The other seagull-related issue that we soon have to address shortly is that of the 'young leaving the nest'. You wouldn't think this would be of any concern to our average, everyday lives, but it is. Seagulls regularly choose our roof for their territory when bringing up their young. The first year this happened, we thought nothing of it, until one day we found the young bird in our back garden, flapping its wings in an uncoordinated state and failing to get off the ground quite spectacularly. Mrs Rock was concerned, so a phone call to the RSPB was considered in order:

"RSPB? We've got a young seagull in our garden, and it doesn't seem able to fly"
"Ah yes, that's normal - when it gets to a certain age, its parents push it out of the nest - it'll soon learn to fly"
"But won't it get killed by a cat? - the neighbours have a number of cats and they're always killing birds" (including a prize racing pigeon from Gateshead, but that's another story)
"Don't worry, the parents are never far away - the cat that takes on a young seagull is either very brave... ...or very stupid. And if I were you, I wouldn't go out into the garden until the bird has gone either"

And so we were held under house arrest by a baby seagull for 48 hours, until it learned how to use its wings properly. Now we understand the process, it doesn't bother us much - and the garden is out of bounds until the bird has flown. Question is, should I warn the builders working on our loft conversion...?
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Posted 7:57 PM by Dr_Rock
It's well known that we Brits will always complain about the weather, no matter what it's doing - so it would come as no suprise if I commented that it's too hot for me at the moment, and the thought of temperatures in the mid-eighties / high twenties for the next few days doesn't fill me full of enthusiasm. However, last night I came to appreciate a new problem with hot sunny days - leaving your windows open at night...

Last night I had to contend not only with #1 pebble's state of poorliness that meant he was up a few times, but also with passers-by who seemed to want to stand outside my house and discuss life the universe and everything at the tops of their voices, boy racers (with all that entails), but most annoyingly of all, the Eastbourne & District All-Comers Seagull Karaoke Finals. From the moment darkness was dislodged by the first rays of sun, it felt like every seagull in the town (and beyond) was perched on my rooftop squawking at the top of its voice. None of them were singing "Simply The Best" (everyone knows Tina Turner struts like a chicken, not a seagull), but now I know why the posher areas of Eastbourne are all in favour of a seagull extermination programme. Roll on winter...
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Posted 9:01 PM by Dr_Rock
A few months ago, I treated Mum to a day out. On Sunday, it was Dad's turn - though his "treat" was as much something I wanted to do as it was his. Though we've never holidayed on a cruise liner, it's something that holds an attraction for us both. My parents once crossed the Atlantic aboard the QE2, but Dad says that doesn't count. So Dad's treat - and by default mine too - was a tour of, and lunch aboard the P&O liner Oriana.

Two things stop us from living out our cruising dreams: one being the cost, the other being our respective partners. I know that cruising needn't be an expensive thing, but P&O is certainly more expensive than most. However, there's a certain reassuring "Britishness" about them that seems to make that additional cost worthwhile. As for our partners, well, Mum isn't hugely enthusiastic about the idea, and Mrs Rock has watched Titanic once too often and can't be convinced that there are enough lifeboats to go around.

And to cut a long story short, the tour of the ship showed us that it was everything we thought it should be. Chatting with fellow visitors who had cruised before, the one word that kept recurring was "hooked" - and I can think of worse things to be addicted to. Though a 3 gramme-a-day coke habit would probably be cheaper.

I have been dropping hints around Castle Rock that a cruise as a "surprise" 40th birthday present (coinciding with the year of our 10th wedding anniversary too, for added value) in 2005 would be nice, but the pebbles are too young to come with us, so the only real option for them would be two weeks with their grandparents. However that last remaining shred of hope was destroyed this afternoon, after the pebbles had engaged in a particularly naughty visit to Grandma. She announced that there was no way on Earth that she'd have those two for a fortnight. I think the phrase she used was "over my dead body". Anyone want to buy two naughty youngsters?
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Posted 8:30 PM by Dr_Rock
With this and the previous entry in this blog in mind, I seem to be becoming International King of Television. I've just watched something more obscure than Takeshi's Castle - the final of International King of Sports.

Eight men, seven events, six nations and more bizarreness than you could shake a stick at. Events included 200m Running Backwards, Underwater Shot Putt, the Headlong Dive, and (I kid you not) the Men's Individual Falling Down.

And in keeping with the bizarre, the Water High Jump event saw a new world record set by a bloke who can't swim. He just hurled himself over the bar, into the water, and waited for someone to come and rescue him before drowned. Honest. You couldn't make this stuff up.
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Posted 8:12 PM by Dr_Rock
I somehow found myself watching Top Of The Pops tonight, for the first time in years. I think I'm turning into my Dad, as I found myself watching and thinking "what the bloody hell was that all about?".

Case in point was Blazin' Squad (no link to their web site because it crashed my ancient PC. Revenge is mine, bwahaha) - or ten scrawny kids desperately wanting to be rap stars, by the looks of it. Two lines of rap each, and a competition to throw as many cheesy rap poses as possible in the three minutes of their performance. I could say that I thought the kid with his baseball cap on backwards was the winner - but that wouldn't really help, would it?

My Dad would definitely say "what the bloody hell was that all about?" about Metallica. But I've been a fan since the days of Kill 'em All - and what a reality check to be told that that was twenty years ago - so I'm not with him on that one. I haven't liked all of their material, but all power to them for developing and maturing their one-time cult sound into a massive corporation - and funny to see the TOTP presenters fawning all over their introduction.

For a critique of Evanescence, see VeryVeryBored here.

I think I'm missing the point with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. No doubt about it, I am definitely turning into my Dad...
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Posted 8:34 PM by Dr_Rock
So the family Rock (including the pebbles' Grandma and Grandad) went to Jersey for a holiday. It all came about because our three-year-old announced that he wanted to go on an aeroplane, and Jersey seemed like a good (though, as it turned out, bloody expensive) idea. And generally a good time was had by all, even though I came home more knackered than when I went. The hotel was all the things you'd expect from a three-star family-orientated hotel (and I mean that in a nice way). But if you want to add your own personal twist to the entertainment when staying at a hotel, try this for size (it works best with buffet-style meals):

Get one of your offspring (for the best effect, the younger the better), to cram so much dinner in his mouth that he can't swallow it properly. Get him to go and stand in front of the dessert selection, and then begin to gag on the aforementioned dinner, so that ultimately it is ejected from the mouth. Placement is crucial - the ejected food should land on the floor, in front of the desserts, but not touching them in any way. Remove your offspring from the area, and make the innocent request to a member of waiting staff for "something to clean the floor".

Then watch as a waitress tries to lay strips of kitchen roll daintily across the area. Then watch in increased amusement as the chef comes out of the kitchens followed by a string of minnions, gesticulates in the direction of the desserts, and walks off, leaving the minnions to remove all the desserts...

There is, of course, a price to pay for this self-generated entertainment: having to list to the hotel duty manager everything the offspring has eaten or drunk in the past 48 hours, as he explains why he can do without the Norwalk virus closing his hotel in the middle of the holiday season.
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Posted 7:36 PM by Dr_Rock
The more observant passers by of this blog will have noticed that it has been updated even less frequently than usual recently. And the most observant of the more observant may also be suffering a sense of deja-vu. However, this hiatus in service was due to a family holiday in Jersey (more of which later).

And no, I'm not normally one for two holidays a year, let alone two holidays a month - it was just the way things turned out.

As it's been a while since I looked at the stats for Turned Out Nice Again, I thought I'd take a look at where the passing traffic had been coming from. To my surprise, a lot of search engine referrals have been coming this way, compared to the usual couple a month (you have to bear in mind that all this is relative - the BBC I ain't).

Nice to see the Knirps umbrella referrals are streaming in from all over the world (who'd have thought it?). And God bless Eastbourne's tennis tournament, as the Maria Sharapova hits boost visitor numbers. Oddly though, people are arriving here in search of "Maria Sharapova sounds", which is even more kinky to my way of thinking than wanting pictures of the young lady - though given that she's only 16, I think we'll stop this thought process here...
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Posted 7:32 PM by Dr_Rock
Eastbourne in June means only one thing - tennis. Back pages, front pages, middle pages and special pull-out supplement. Granted the tournament, as the ladies warm-up for Wimbledon, is important both in tennis terms and in terms of Eastbourne's (inter)national profile, but if you're not a fan of tennis, then there's no need to buy the local newspaper this week.

Ironically, the tournament is sponsored by Hastings Direct (for those not familiar with the geography, Hastings is a nearby seaside resort that might be considered a rival in tourist terms), and this coincides with a resurgence in the tournament's popularity with both the players themselves, and the BBC, who threatened to withdraw TV coverage after last year.

This year, we have "five of the world's top ten women and nine of the leading 20". Further inspection reveals only one of the top five, mind you. Sadly, the male turnout in the crowd will no doubt be disappointed by the withdrawal of Anna Kournikova - not that that's got anything to do with tennis...

According to the tournament director, there is the possibility that Maria Sharapova will be given a wild card. Apparently, she's been described as "the new Anna Kournikova", but this label doesn't stand much scrutiny as Sharapova nearly won a tournament last week...
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Posted 6:10 PM by Dr_Rock
The more observant passers by of this blog will have noticed that it has been updated even less frequently than usual recently. There are many reasons for this - a trip to Yorkshire to visit the in-laws and a rush of paperwork to sort out in order to get a remortgage, planning permission and building control permission to start work on a loft conversion at the end of the month being two of them.

I'd never realised the expense involved in getting a loft conversion off the ground (as far as the second floor, to be exact) - and this is before I actually consider paying the builders to do the building work. There's the architect's drawings for planning permission, planning permission fees, the architect's drawings for building controls, building controls fees, the structural engineer's fees, and the building inspector's fees. Then there's the mortgage consultant's fees, the mortgage arrangement fee, the solicitor's fees and all the associated charges that go with that. And most of it money for old rope, from where I'm sitting. All of which would have my fellow Eastbournian Veryverybored ranting like a trooper, though it might give him some clues as to which career path to follow when he flees the bankrupt telecomms industry...
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Posted 8:30 AM by Dr_Rock
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me-ee
Happy birthday to me

Now I can say that I'm closer to 40 than I am 35. Should I be proud, or worried?
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Posted 4:58 PM by Dr_Rock
Top story in this week's Eastbourne Herald - though unfortunately not the front page headline - is the ongoing case surrounding a pensioner who allegedly murdered his wife after a row over a stewed apple dessert. Honestly. The basic prosecution plot is that he asked his wife if she wanted the dessert, she said no, she wanted a divorce, so he shot her.

In the interests of balance, the basic defence plot was that he intended only to scare her, and didn't realise that the shotgun was loaded when he "pretended" to shoot her - he only intended to load the shotgun after this, in order to commit suicide.

Sounds bizarre? Then it's in keeping with their marriage, in which he apparently agreed that she could be unfaithful to him, as long as she stayed with him and satisfied his "domestic and sexual needs". In his defence, he says "She wanted a Daimler, so I bought it, it was a bloody expensive vehicle". A Daimler versus stewed apple? I know who was getting the better deal there...

He denies murder, and the case continues - which could have been avoided had he committed the suicide he'd intended after shooting her...

---

Update (30 May): Yesterday he was found guilty of manslaughter and sentenced to six years imprisonment. The judge said that he'd "lost control" after being asked for a divorce. The moral of this story? Stewed apple - it's just not worth it.
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Posted 10:42 AM by Dr_Rock
The Eurovision debacle: Political voting, dodgy monitor or talentless Scousers? My money's on a bit of all three.

I tried my best not to watch, but once again I found myself drawn towards the TV remote, and before I knew where I was, my fingers were selecting BBC1, and the damage was done. Fortunately I'd fought the good fight until about entry 18, so I missed Jemini's effort.

When all is said and done, I don't think Cry Baby deserved nul points - there were plenty worse than that - including the runner-up Belgian entry (which wasn't even sung in a proper language) and the Turkish winner. But then it's a competition of opinions, and opinions are like arseholes - everyone has one. Even now though, I find it hard to believe that so many countries liked the Turkish entry, yet not one of 25 could find anything remotely likeable about the UK entry. Finishing bottom I can cope with - the ignominy of no points I cannot. Still, with a bit of luck that should end Jemini's pop careers, so it's not all bad news.

As for blaming dodgy monitors? "Latvian technology", to extend a sterotype, is an oxymoron, so it's possible. And was the (non) voting a backlash against the war in Iraq? I suspect so - and wouldn't it be fun to see "responsible for Britain's worst ever Eurovision result" on Tony Blair's political epitaph?

For me, as ever, the best thing on Eurovision was Terry Wogan's commentary - another wonderful performance. How long, I wonder, before interactive television allows you to listen to Tel's commentary whilst switching off the singing - a reverse of interactive football which allows you to switch off the commentary and listen to the crowd noise only. I also enjoyed Slovenia's "jury foreman" - a wannabe children's TV presenter - who fully understanding the importance of his nation's vote on the outcome, announced: "I'm sure you want to hear the Slovenian votes, so here I go..." and promptly walked offscreen in classic comedy style. Priceless.

As an observation - and perhaps mentioning Tatu will increase my chances of Google referrals - for a couple who couldn't care less about the competition, the Russian entry seemed delighted with each douze points that came their way. Amusing too, to see Russia booed by the Latvian crowd every time they scored points, yet in a twist of classic irony, the Latvian vote gave Tatu maximum points...
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Posted 7:52 PM by Dr_Rock
U.S. interrogators are using heavy metal to break the wills of Iraqi captives. Apparently the line from Metallica's Enter Sandman - 'Sleep with one eye open, gripping your pillow tight' - is particularly good at encouraging the captives to talk. The report describes the music as "culturally offensive". Now that's a bit harsh - especially as I'm a fan of Enter Sandman. As well as Metallica's finest, the interrogators are also using Drowning Pool, and Barney the dinosaur. Maybe "culturally offensive" wasn't so far off the mark after all...
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Posted 7:53 PM by Dr_Rock
I spent today at the Chelsea Flower Show. Not my usual kind of haunt, but my mum has wanted to go for years, so armed with some discounted tickets from the social club at work, I treated her. And it was a surprisingly pleasant day out, if you ignored the crowds - particularly whenever a TV camera popped into view. We watched Charlie Dimmock and Monty Don preparing to present a piece from James Dyson's much-vaunted "Wrong Garden". And if you thought it would take a crew of about two to produce such a piece, think again - I think I counted at least eight. I overheard someone say "let's go, it's not worth standing around watching people standing around" - but at least they weren't queueing to stand and watch people standing around, which given the queues for the show gardens was quite possible.

So I've seen all sorts of floral arrangements, all sorts of garden tools, furniture, statues and other ornaments - from the sublime to the ridiculous - but the stand I think deserves a mention here most was the Natural Driftwood Sculptures... ...that's any old tatty piece of wood picked off your local beach and stuck in the ground at a jaunty angle, to you and me. Money for old rope (figuratively, not literally)...
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Posted 7:53 AM by Dr_Rock
As The Matrix Reloaded premiered last night, it reminded me of the time I watched The Matrix itself. It was the first DVD I bought, and I played it on a Dolby 5.1 system. I remember sitting there, amazed by the effects, sound bolstered by my new DVD system. Jaw-dropping effect after jaw-dropping effect, I was completely drawn into the movie. Then suddenly the credits rolled, and I found myself thinking "what happened to the storyline?". Is the sequel any different, I wonder? Perhaps I should watch The Matrix again, and try and see beyond the effects to see if there is a storyline in there that I just missed the first time around.
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Posted 8:44 PM by Dr_Rock
This weekend brings the Eurovision Song Contest. Every year I say to myself that I won't - nay mustn't - watch, but every year I find myself drawn like a rubbernecker to a particularly nasty car crash. It's interesting to read how seriously so many nations take the competition, compared to the UK.

This year's competition is of course spiced up by the Russian entry, Tatu, and I can imagine the competition's already huge viewing figures will be increased - assuming they aren't disqualified first.

And when all the talking is over, no doubt I will have sat through the whole shebang (no, that's not a reference to Tatu's stage show), laughed at countless ridiculous costumes; winced at some embarrassing performances; bemoaned, Wogan-style, the voting; and resolved not to do the same next year...
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Posted 7:51 PM by Dr_Rock
There seems to be a big kerfuffle over the BBC's The Big Read, the top 100 of which were announced at the weekend. I haven't paid much attention to the process, because I'm not a big reader, particularly of the classics, and I didn't imagine that I'd have read many of the top 100. My reading is sporadic and obscure; I like Andrew Harman. Andrew who? Exactly. I've read Nick Hornby, but never read any Tolkien. I imagined that the only books I'd have read would have been those I read at school, under sufferance.

When Nick gave his thoughts on the top 100, and disclosed that he'd read 20, I thought I'd have a look and see how I fared. It transpires that I've read six. And with one exception, I was right - I read them at school. I haven't counted, but I think I've seen more on film and TV. Now there's an indictment of life...

And would you have guessed it - no Andrew Harman...
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Posted 12:08 PM by Dr_Rock
Which Season One Blakes 7 Character Are You?
How could any self-respecting fan of dodgy sci-fi resist? (via What You Can Get Away With and from Quizilla)

VILA: "Any very talented person could have done it." --

Sure, you're a slacker. Sure, you're unreliable. Sure, you'll take anything that's not nailed down. And, yeah, you're physically unimpressive. But you bring the mad skillz-- even if you have to be threatened and bullied into risking danger to use them. You'd think people would appreciate you more! Where are the virgins in red fur!

Physically unimpressive? Yeah, that's me. But a kleptomaniac? Never!! As for the virgins, I'm saying nothing, you never know when the wife might be reading... :-)
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Posted 9:09 PM by Dr_Rock
Hooray! hooray!
Thirteenth of May
"Sex in Eastbourne" referral today!

Thanks to this and Google. Who says sex doesn't pay?
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Posted 12:40 PM by Dr_Rock
As an aside to the story below, when I made representations to my manager, she told me of a large dot-com who closed their telephone helpdesk in favour of an e-mail based system. Shortly after, they were forced to employ a helpdesk workforce all of whom were over the age of 40, as no-one any younger could spell properly. The younger staff were gr8 @ txting tho. I am clearly getting old...
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Posted 12:31 PM by Dr_Rock
Though my academic background is mathematical, there are one or two things in written English that really bug me - and the greatest of these is the (mis)use of the apostrophe. As someone involved in the I.T. industry, for many years I have tolerated, through gritted teeth, reports referring to more than one computer as "PC's", multiple shiny circular disks that go in the said computers as "CD's", and so on.

Now I don't profess to be an apostrophe guru, but I do believe that people should be familiar with its use (or more accurately non-use) with plurals. I have always said to those who have misused the apostrophe in the ways described above "You wouldn't refer to multiple seating devices as chair's, would you?", and they have agreed. Until today.

Today at work I have received a presentation that has been distributed to a number of high-level managers for cascade. It refers to "members" and "reasons", but also "incentive's", "initiative's" and "process's". A mathematician I may be, but this is an insult to the English language. Searching for a reason for this affrontery, I decided that the rule of grammar being followed here is that plurals require apostrophes when the singular ends in a vowel - the exception to the rule (as all good grammar rules should have an exception) being words ending in "ss", because these would become "processs" otherwise.

If George Bush was an educated man, he would order an immediate air strike against the purveyor of this tosh. And for once, I am inclined to agree with him...
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Posted 8:02 PM by Dr_Rock
Conversation at Castle Rock this evening as Mrs Rock studies the instructions and recipe guide that accompanies her newly purchased bread maker:
Mrs Rock: "So what's the difference between a sandwich loaf and a normal loaf?"
Dr Rock: "It makes it squarer"
Mrs Rock: "Oh, right"

There's one born every minute!!
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Posted 10:02 PM by Dr_Rock
Over at VeryVeryBored, Mr VVB has been taking a dip into the world of The Idler and Crap Towns: The 50 Worst Places to Live In The UK. This weekend's Eastbourne Herald takes up the fight against Eastbourne's nomination with defence from the owners of the maligned Arndale shopping centre and the water treatment works. Interestingly enough, the borough council declined to comment - a case of "it's a fair cop, guv"?

This attack on the town comes hot on the heels of a Sussex Business Enterprise report that did nothing to change the sterotypical view that Eastbourne is a place where people come to die, and a front page headline that shouted in an inordinately large font "BLOW UP THE PIER". This was the suggestion of a visiting MP (if memory serves), which at best was tactless given that it came during the early stages of the war with Iraq. Fortunately the circulation of the Eastbourne Herald amongst the US military is low, otherwise it could have been seen as an invitation that I'm sure they would have been only too trigger-happy to take up. As much as Chris Mannion's tea dances do nothing for me, I don't think he (or the pier) deserves that...
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Posted 9:37 PM by Dr_Rock
Mrs Rock has long bemoaned the length of time it takes me to get home from work of an evening. Although compared to those who fight with Connex South Central, Thameslink et al, my journey home is a stroll in the park - or more accurately a stroll through the park, part of the way at least - the 30-35 minute walk time is more than She Who Must Be Obeyed is now prepared to put up with.

As a result, I now find myself with a new bicycle. It's a 24-speed Marin city bike which is a far cry from the 5-gear Raleigh racing bike I last rode, some 20 years ago. 24 gears - what's all that about? Apart from the fact that you can't use all 24 gears because of the alignment of the front and back cogs (or cassettes, as I believe they're called these days), I never found a need to use more than three of the gears I had as a teenager, and I don't see that it's a need that has changed. That said, this bike cost a darn sight more than any other bike I've ever known, so I think I might use a few more just to get my money's worth.

This reduces my journey time to ten minutes, however by the time I've removed and secured the removable bits from the bike, unravelled and engaged the "high-tensile steel" chain, removed the helmet that looks like a cast-off from a dodgy eighties sci-fi movie, made my way to the changing room and changed into office clothes, the journey gives little change from 20 minutes. Still, at least I arrive at my desk healthier - if a little less fragrant.
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Posted 5:14 PM by Dr_Rock
Of course, the other thing May is celebrated for is Bank Holiday weekends, and the torrential rain that comes with them... ...hang on a minute, the sun is shining and the sky is blue. Quick, get the barbecue out!!

And that's exactly what we did at Castle Rock yesterday. With friends down from Oxford for the weekend, and a bunch of hyperactive kids to deal with as a result, for once Murphy's Law of Weather did not apply - Murphy's Law of Murphy's Law, I guess - and the weather was not only good enough to cook outside, but to sit outside in shirtsleeves and eat. Marvellous!!

Of course, whilst the barbecue warms up to temperatures fit to put the Sun to shame, one has plenty of time to ponder life, the universe, and why we choose to try and light already-burned wood. To think, someone deliberately sets light to some decent enough combustibles for the sole purpose that we should later try and set light to it all over again. In the mists of time, someone somewhere is having a laugh at my expense, I reckon.

Still, whilst the cobwebs on the barbecue were going up in smoke - no point wasting time cleaning them off, and besides, they add a certain nuttiness to the flavour - I was left to ponder why it is that there are so many households where the man is king of the barbecue, despite the fact that he wouldn't so much as lift a finger in the kitchen. Except for the washing up. Perhaps. Under protest.

And despite the fact that everything, as always, had a subtle shade of black on the outside, there have been no reported incidents of food poisoning from a Castle Rock barbecue. To date, at least. Either friends and family of the good doctor are strong of constitution, or too polite to complain...
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Posted 8:49 AM by Dr_Rock
Hooray! hooray!
The first of May
Outdoor sex begins today.

Just don't tell the wife... :-)
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Posted 8:26 PM by Dr_Rock
And on the subject of US sports, how on earth are you supposed to keep track of what's going on in your favourite sport? I have enough trouble keeping up to date with the Premiership and Football League, but in the States it's games almost every night of the week.

Years ago, before US football took off in the UK, some friends and I decided to adopt an NFL team each. I chose the Denver Broncos, and subsequently adopted any Denver-based team as I discovered new sports. I spent the early hours of several days in 2001 watching the Avalanche lift the Stanley cup, I breathed a sigh of relief as the Nuggets narrowly avoided the worst record in NBA history, and my hopes of the Rockies and Rapids winning anything seem to fall apart with monotonous regularity.

However, it's difficult to keep track of "my" teams when they play six times a week, let alone keep track of the other teams around them. I've come to the conclusion that this is why I'm so poor at fantasy games...
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Posted 11:52 AM by Dr_Rock
I've never been particularly athletic, even during my schooldays. My major sporting claims to fame at senior school were twofold: I equalled Bob Beamon's (then) world long jump record - as a triple jumper; and only missed out on a track world record by five seconds - though five seconds in the 100m is an awful lot to make up.

I was (and to an extent still am) an excellent armchair sportsman. I spent some years following Crawley Town FC around some godforsaken non-league football grounds, later to realise that shouts of encouragement of the "well played, son!" variety were becoming worryingly possible from an age point of view.

With the internet age came a new form of sporting excellence for couch potatoes like me - fantasy games. And no, not the sort of fantasy I can imagine some of you thinking of. Fantasy football (both soccer and the gridiron variety), rugby league, cricket, baseball, ice hockey, basketball - you name it, I've played it. Badly.

It adds a little interest when watching a game on TV if you can get behind a player for the fantasy points he scores, and brings sports otherwise ignored on the Sky Sports schedules into play. And whilst I'd love to add NASN to my satellite package, I can't justify adding the ridiculous subscription fee to the already ridiculous subscription fees I pay.

It's watching all the US sports that raised some questions in my mind that would otherwise have passed me by. My evidence is purely subjective, and so I am open to being told that I'm just imagining the whole thing:

• Why are so few gridiron quarterbacks black, when so many other players are?
  
• Why are there so few (no?) black ice hockey players?
  
• Why are there so few white basketball players?
  
• And whilst not a sporting question, this came to mind having whilst watching basketball: why do black people bother with tattoos?

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Posted 9:10 PM by Dr_Rock
Like a large number of the population, I watched the documentary on the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire fraud last night. Call me a sad individual if you will (it will boost my flagging comment count if nothing else!!), but I found it fascinating viewing.

The evidence looked pretty damning from where I was sitting, and yet I read this morning that Tecwen Whittock is still proclaiming his innocence, stating that he was "suffering from an allergic reaction" at the time. I can only think he was allergic to the correct answers, as his cough only seemed to manifest itself whenever the right answer was read out.

The Ingrams too, protest their innocence, yet some of the comments made during the show beggar belief. In considering too many questions, the Major dismissed the correct answer with a strong preference for an incorrect one, only to turn this on its head to achieve the right answer. I can accept his never having heard of Craig David (I often wish I hadn't either), but I can't accept the argument that he must be the right answer for the same reason.

Bizarrely, I knew the answer to the £1million question - unfortunately I'd never have made it that far to prove it - but the Major's comment that he had no idea what a googol was, except that it was the right answer (surely if it's the right answer, you know exactly what it is), when you stand to lose £468,000 if you're wrong, was the cherry on top of a cake already over-endowed with sweet and sticky toppings when it came to confirming his guilt.

As for Celador's suggestion that a movie of the scam could follow - please don't. Quiz Show was interesting because the scam was driven by the programme makers. Who Wants To Be A Guilty Millionaire (Almost) just isn't going to work...

I liked the comments on my local radio station this morning:
"How will the TV ratings for Millionaire fare against those for the Michael Jackson interview?

A Higher
B Lower
C The same
D Craig David"

And well done to the manufacturers of Benylin for taking the first advertising break with their "got a persistent cough?"...
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Posted 1:09 PM by Dr_Rock
Via Unknown Rhythm, I came across the Aztec Astrologer which offers (with caveats about taking it too seriously) the chance to discover your birth horoscope according to the Aztecs.

My birthdate is 8 Cozcaquauhtli. Cozcaquauhtli is Aztec for "explosion in Scrabble factory". Er, actually it's "the sign of the vulture who symbolises old age and riches" - a symbolism that I've achieved half of!!

My presiding deity is Itzpapalotl, the Black Obsidian Butterfly, who "flutters round at night striking terror into the hearts of men. She signifies the terror of a nightmare and the ultimate evil associated with the night. She is a destructive but beautiful demon who represents the evil that comes out of darkness and the destruction of all that we hold to be good". Phew!!

Apparently, I can "look forward to a long and prosperous life" in which I will be "quite lucky, but beware of a darker and more sinister side to (my) nature". Well, I like George Formby, how much more sinister can you get?

The week is 1 Atl (Water), whose "presiding deity is Chalchiuhtotolin, a form of the god Tezcatlipoca as the Jewelled Turkey. Those who saw this terrible apparition of Tezcatlipoca could enjoy great riches and wealth, provided that they could hold him by the tail. Few who saw it at night however had the courage and generally ran away in fear". Just be careful whose tail you're holding onto, OK?

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Posted 8:52 PM by Dr_Rock
Dustbinman, with the help of Vodkabird, pointed me in the direction of a DJ name generator. After a few tries, it offered me DJ Electro Blade, which I thought was some sort of shaver. Then it offered me The Rok Wizard - much more me!!
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Posted 8:45 PM by Dr_Rock
I don't often spend lunchtime in the pub, mainly because the merest sniff of a lager shandy at that time of the day is all I need to be falling asleep at my desk in the afternoon - not something that goes down well with management.

However, with the apparent onset of (a temporary) summer today, one of the lads mourning the passing of another year, and an important job appearing to be coming to a successful conclusion (touching wood with my four-leafed clover-wrapped rabbit's foot - not that I'm superstitious, you understand), an hour in the beer garden of the local hostelry seemed like a good idea.

And so Murphy's Law Of File Servers came to pass. As we arrived at the gate of the pub, my mobile rang. It was the helpdesk - one of the mail servers had died, and could I please come back to the office to fix it. As a result, I spent that lunchtime as I do pretty much every other lunchtime - not in the pub...

And as an aside, why do we consider the rabbit's foot to be lucky? After all, it wasn't very lucky for the rabbit...
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Posted 7:30 PM by Dr_Rock
Little did I realise that my escapades with travel-to-work rainwear would prove so popular - to date, I've had four referrals from Google from people wanting to know about Knirps umbrellas. I'm astounded...
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Posted 9:18 PM by Dr_Rock
The Eastbourne Herald reports this week that the town is "one of the top 10 divorce hotspots in the country". The figures come from the Office of National Statistics, and reveal that 13.3% of the town's population are either divorced or separated. Also in the top ten are Hastings, Margate, Torquay and Penzance, with Blackpool leading the way with 15.2% of the population. (They say marriage is a roller coaster - there's your proof).

So now when throwing stereotypes around, as well as saying that people only move to Eastbourne to die, we can add "or get divorced". However, I can report that this is not true, as the young and fertile Mr & Mrs VeryVeryBored are not only moving to Eastbourne, they are demonstrating their very fertility by bringing VVB junior into the world here too. Actually, as an acquaintance of Mr VVB, the thought of him demonstrating his fertility is a thought too far, but I digress...

The findings show that stress is brought into marriages by:

• Long working days for hoteliers and landlords
  
• People expecting a holiday atmosphere all year round (in Margate and Hastings, for heavens sake?)
  
• People retiring to the town (presumably as a precursor to dying) and suddenly living in each others pockets 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

And I thought stress was brought to the marriage by the wife... (only joking, ladies)

And the best places to live if you want to remain divorce-free? Harrow, Chiltern, the Scilly Isles and Oxford, apparently.
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Posted 8:50 PM by Dr_Rock
There are some things that never cease to amaze me. And the simpler those things are, the more I seem to hold them in awe and wonder. I remember as a fresh-faced I.T. technician in my first "proper" job, installing a Novell NetWare network for my first employer (a v2.15 network, for the technically-minded amongst you) and being amazed the first time I launched an application that wasn't installed on my local PC to see it appear onscreen.

And in that vein, I'm still amazed when I see referrals from sites I've never heard of. So thanks to Colourfool for putting Turned Out Nice Again on her links.

And thanks too to the visitor who found their way here from a Google Search for "Knirps umbrella". Honest. Go on, try it - you know you want to...
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Posted 8:01 PM by Dr_Rock
The latest in an occasional series of things which bug the hell out of me, are boy racers who think it waaay cool to remove the silencer from their exhausts. Not once, but twice on my stroll home in the Eastbourne sunshine this evening, my thoughts were shattered by the cacophany of noise that is a deliberately unsilenced exhaust. The first was so ridiculously loud that I reckon it could have drowned out the noise of bunker-bombing in Baghdad. The second had the word "customise" stencilled across the rear window. For once I was in total agreement - customise it by putting a silencer on it, idiot...
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Posted 8:06 PM by Dr_Rock
I've just heard Mariah Carey on The National Lottery Wright Ticket singing a Def Leppard song!!!!! Is nothing sacred?
Er, I ought to explain that I only had the programme on because I didn't want to miss the start of Casualty...
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Posted 10:42 PM by Dr_Rock
Following on from Murphy's Law of Blogging, one of the trivial things that exasperates me most is Murphy's Law of Precipitation, particularly Murphy's Law of Precipitation When Walking To Work. I have always walked from home to work, and even when that journey involved South Central's finest, there was always a good amount of walking to be had at either end of the journey. This is mainly because I'm a dreadful driver, and as the age of forty heads towards me at breakneck speed, I've resigned myself to the fact that I shall be a perennial pedestrian.

This situation - which will be alien to those of you with a full driving licence (and which in Eastbourne gives you the right to drive the 150 yards to the newsagents for 20 JPS and a copy of the Eastbourne Herald) - means that I have battled with the elements for many years whilst trying to retain some credibility in my appearance. I started off with an umbrella - a Knirps umbrella to be precise. In the late 80's / early 90's, their advertising tagline was "You can't k-nacker a K-nirps". You can. And I did.

From there I tried a Tescos carrier bag on my head. No street cred there, and additionally, like the umbrella, I wasn't saved from the unpleasant experience of sitting in the office in squelchy trousers that didn't dry out until just before hometime, when of course the experience was repeated.

Eventually giving up on street cred for a more comfortable existence, I bought some bright blue waterproofs. In the office I became known as the Blue Gnome - I'm over six feet tall, for goodness sake - but dryness was mine.

And to return to the subject, Ronnie Corbett-like, the problem this now presents me with is that days fall into three categories: those when there's not a raindrop in the sky, and those on which you can't see the sky for raindrops, are easy - waterproofs off and on respectively. The third category is those days when you can't trust the rainfall to do one thing or the other. As the rain begins to fall, I decide to ride it out (or more accurately walk it out), but as the rain begins to fall harder, there comes a cut-off point when the waterproofs have to go on to prevent Squelchy Office Syndrome. Of course, Murphy's Law states that as soon as the waterproofs go on, the rain stops. Take the waterproofs off, and it starts to rain again. Leave them on, and you arrive at work in glorious sunshine with the entire office looking at you and reaching for the nice jacket with the overlong sleeves. I hate it when that happens...
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Posted 10:19 PM by Dr_Rock
The Irish have joined in the war in Iraq. A huge convoy of trucks has set off from Dublin for the long drive eastwards. Half of them are loaded with sand and half with cement.

Sources say a massive mortar attack is planned.

Sorry!! :-)
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Posted 9:16 PM by Dr_Rock
According to Murphy's Law of Blogging, as soon as one decides to add a regular feature to a blog, the source of material for the feature lets you down. And so it is for this week's Eastbourne Herald Watch. The Letters Page, indeed the Letter Of The Week, however, offers this observation:

"What a pleasure it has been to see in the town centre a group of smartly-turned out, clean cut and pleasant young men. I refer, of course, to the Coldstream Guards.
Contrast them to the scruffy, lager-swilling, work-shy yobbos one is accustomed to seeing in that part of town.
Surely there is an urgent need for the return of National Service"

It is my belief that the letter-writer, Mr E M Pinkney, is a former National Serviceman, and has never got over the fact that future generations have missed out on the opportunity to experience what he would no doubt tell you were the best days of his life. I've seen Lad's Army however, and I beg to differ!!

I would also go so far as to suggest that the usefulness of National Service, like the ability of the average home-owner to leave their back door open without any fear that the stereo would go missing as soon as you blink, is a thing of the past. The reason that these Guardsmen looked so smart and pleasant is because they wanted to wear the uniform, and were proud to wear the uniform, something that could never be said of your average National Service squaddie.

And when it comes to national security, I offer the opinion that the difference between the Guardsman and the National Serviceman is akin to the difference between the fight-to-the-death Republican Guard and the surrender-at-the-first-opportunity conscripts in Iraq.
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Posted 8:39 PM by Dr_Rock
One of the mysteries of the Turned Out Nice Again universe, along with "what purpose do wasps serve?", is telesales:

"Dr Rock, your postcode has come up on our computer, which means you qualify to be featured in the next edition of our magazine. This means you could have a free luxury kitchen fitted in the comfort of your own home..."

So where else exactly might one have a "luxury fitted kitchen", er, fitted? Of course, luxury fitted kitchen companies are so short of people who've bought their kitchens that they suddenly feel the need to give them away for magazine articles, don't they? In my experience, the only free luxury fitted kitchen is one that is first prize in a fitted kitchen competition - a competition that I haven't as yet entered.

And don't start me on the "free luxury holiday in any one of a dozen Euopean locations" that is mine as long as I attend a short introductory talk in a small village just south of the Brecon Beacons...

"Dr Rock, we'd like to offer you a very competitive quote for double glazing your home..."
"Sorry, I've got double glazing"
"Everywhere?"
"Everywhere"
"Not even a tiny window in the bathroom left?"
"Nope"
"What about a conservatory?"
"Got one"
"Soffits, fascias?"
"Done them"
"Oh"

Oh indeed. Of course, I've been considering double glazing for months, but didn't have any idea where to get any from, so it was an absolute relief to have someone phone up and try to sell me some. Or not.

Still, if all else fails, claim not to be selling anything at all. This is my all-time favourite conversation of all time with a telesales person:

"Dr Rock? We're not selling anything, but we're in your area and would like to give you a free, no obligation quote for a conservatory"
"So you are selling something - you're selling me a conservatory"
"No, we're not"
"What happens if I like your quote?"
"Then we can arrange to have your conservatory built..."
"And I pay for it?"
"Yes..."
"Then you're selling something, aren't you?"
"No I'm not..."
"Yes you are"

Thereafter follows a conversation along the lines of the Argument Sketch from Monty Python, until the salesperson admits defeat and hangs up. Dr Rock punches the air in delight and basks in the glory of the moment...

Of course, the telesales person is often likely to contact Mrs Rock during the day - and then be filled with indignation when told that the Dr is actually at work. Where else am I likely to be at 10:30 on a Thursday morning, for goodness sake??
Still, the occasional telesales person has some success - or so they think - but as the conservatory salesman found out when calling on the then single Mrs Rock, a first floor flat is not the best location to be putting an additional sun lounge in glorious uPVC. Note to all telesales personnel - research goes a long way towards preventing a large commission disappearing out of the (first floor) window...
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Posted 12:30 PM by Dr_Rock
Despite having been connected to the internet for over seven years, this blog is my first web presence, and so each time another 'first' occurs, I'm filled with the urge to let everyone know about it, no matter how mundane the 'first' will be to the more experienced blogger.
Today's 'first' is my first referral from a search engine. I've made no effort to register with any search engines, so the fact that I've been 'discovered' comes as a pleasant surprise. I only hope that Yahoo! Search's offering of my story of school anti-war protests in southern England was useful to the searcher...
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Posted 7:52 PM by Dr_Rock
England have just beaten Liechtenstein 2-0 in the Euro 2004 qualifiers - that's football or soccer depending on your orientation in relationship to the Atlantic Ocean. I didn't see the whole game - with two kids under three years old I haven't seen many complete football matches in a while - but I doubt it was a convincing performance.
No doubt some will trot out the old cliche that "there no easy game in international football" (unless you're playing Scotland, that is), but come on, this is Liechtenstein - population 32,842 in July 2002 according to the CIA World Factbook, of which 11,530, being male and between 15 and 64, could be remotely considered eligible for selection.
Sorry, but there's no excuse for not beating this lot by 4 or 5 clear goals.

This led me to another thought I occasionally have where football is concerned. No matter who my team* (club or country) may be playing, I expect them to win - and like all good football fans, I get hugely disappointed when they don't. Now as a sensible, rational person, I know this is unreasonable, but that's just the way life is. And judging by public outcry (usually where the national side is concerned), I'm not the only one with this unreasonable expectation. My thought is this: do the inhabitants of countries like Liechtenstein have the same irrational expectations? Because supporting a country which has only scored 22 goals in 22 years of international football can only lead to a huge amount of disappointment on a frequent basis. Or do they approach the game with a "we're playing tonight, we'll get hammered" outlook, and then turn their attentions to the latest goings-on in their equivalent of EastEnders? Perhaps if you're Vaduz born and bred, or know someone who is (and a football fan as well, because that's a pre-requisite, obviously), perhaps you'd let me know?

*And for the record, my club team are Crawley Town, currently completing their 19th consecutive season in the Southern League Premier Division of English non-league football - so I too have got used to a fair degree of disappointment over the years...

PS: Liechtenstein are currently ranked 152 in the FIFA World Rankings - behind footballing giants like St Kitts & Nevis (112), Tahiti (118) and Palestine (144). I didn't realise Palestine even played international football. England are ranked 9th.

PPS: Crawley Town won 2-1 today. At last, something I can smile about...
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Posted 8:18 AM by Dr_Rock
Friendly Fire. Now there's an oxymoron if ever I heard one (unlike dumb blonde, which is a peroxymoron). Any death in this conflict is lamentable, but to die at the hands of your own side is heartbreakingly pointless. Somewhere, a wife is having to tell her children that daddy isn't coming home, in the knowledge that he died not at the hands of some enemy, but at the hands of those alongside him in the conflict.

With all the advances in weapons technology, I find it almost inexcusable that we are unable to identify our own planes. Perhaps when the dust settles on this conflict, and Dubya has taken off his ten-gallon hat and spurs, he should consider (if he continues to find conflict necessary) finding a way not to shoot his own people...
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Posted 8:44 PM by Dr_Rock
By popular demand, this week I officially launch...

Eastbourne Herald Watch - your guide to my local newspaper

This week's headline, as you might expect, references the conflict (shhh, don't mention the war. I did once but I think I got away with it) with Iraq. The subject: 200 pupils who walked out of school "in a mass protest against the war with Iraq".
Now forgive my cynicism, which comes about through an experience of life and the memory that as a twelve year old all I was interested in was football, music and the late 70s equivalent of a Playstation (was Pong about by then?), but I suspect that the walkout had little to do with Iraq and more to do with any old excuse to get out of lessons.
And as if to reinforce my cynicism, having left the school gates, and marched down Polegate High Street, where did the kids take their protest? To the local council? No. To their MP, who was holding a surgery in the town that lunchtime? No. (To be fair about that, he wasn't, so it would have been a little difficult even if that had been their intention). No, the protest ended up in the local recreation ground. A case of "we object to the United States depriving the people of Iraq the opportunity to skateboard", perhaps.
The front page story is accompanied by a photograph of some of the protesters, one holding a banner - hurriedly scribbled in black felt tip on a piece of A4 - proclaiming "F**K BUSH". To be fair, both words were spelled correctly, so perhaps the education system isn't failing as much as I'd feared.
One parent is reported to have "criticised the school for a lack of supervision", but faced with 200 disobedient pupils leaving the building en masse, what were the options? Personally, I lament the day they stopped handing out AK-47s at teacher training college.
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Posted 8:04 PM by Dr_Rock
The saga of my missing hits took a turn for the worse today, as the owner of BlogPatrol decided that a fatal crash in the server was an indication it was time to knock it on the head. Although I've only been blogging for a couple of weeks, I feel genuinely sorry for Mr BlogPatrol, for taking the time to provide part-timers like me the chance to have something "clever" on our blogs - for free - only to have it fall apart like this.

BlogPatrol is dead, long live Free-Stats...
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Posted 8:41 AM by Dr_Rock
Thanks to such nice people as Dustbinman and Sasoozie, I am now able to report a much healthier hit rate. At least, I would be had the service provider for BlogPatrol, home of my stats server, not screwed up right royally...
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Posted 2:00 PM by Dr_Rock
The Weather Pixie isn't an accurate representation of me. Believe me, you wouldn't want a Weather Pixie that looks like me!! This is the closest this blog gets to glamour!!
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Posted 8:23 PM by Dr_Rock
Having found lots of niceties to enhance this blog - not to mention to distract the passing reader from the lack of substance in the content - I can now report that in the first two weeks of its existence, Turned Out Nice Again has recorded eleven visitors - two of whom were me!! I'm inclined to sack the advertising agency involved in this less-than-auspicious launch, but for two vital points: One, I didn't hire one, and two, I didn't hire one. Now this may seem like the same point, but it seemed important enough to warrant mentioning twice.

So, in honour of the only comment I've received that didn't come from someone related to me (thanks Cleophas), I've decided to return to the source that initiated that comment - my local newspaper. Perhaps this will become a regular feature, only time will tell!!

There are two things that caught my attention this week. Firstly, the front page story regarding a Sunday school teacher jailed for molesting a four-year-old girl on an aeroplane. This caught my attention not only because of the disgust and despair I feel from the knowledge that a grown adult could do such a thing, but also for the level of detail the paper used to describe the event - detail that could only be of interest to a paedophile.

Secondly, and also on the front page, one of the town's oldest establishments is staging a ladies-only night with two male strippers. The tone of the story suggests the blue-rinse brigade are getting their twinsets and pearls in a twist (I was going to suggest they were getting their knickers in a twist, but this might be reserved for those attending the function), and is accompanied by a photograph of Robert Carlyle in The Full Monty, just to enhance the point. The story concludes that Chairwoman Bridget King was unavailable for comment.

Ladies interested in seeing the horniest stripper on the planet should get their applications in to The Meads Club by April 5th...
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Posted 7:27 AM by Dr_Rock
There are times when your job get you down. Sometimes you moan about it to your colleagues, sometimes your family, sometimes your mates. And then sometimes you tell the world...

This will prove one of two things. Either no-one reads anything on the web, or that job that you didn't much like won't be an issue on Monday morning when your bosses hear about it...
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Posted 8:24 AM by Dr_Rock
This is the stuff dreams are made of if you're a media headline writer - no need to tax the brain to come up with "The Spit Hits The Fan"...
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Posted 7:56 PM by Dr_Rock
FriendsReunited was recently up for sale for a reported £30m. The site was originally put together because a woman nagged her dotcom-employed husband to do it because it seemed like a good idea at the time. He said it would never work, but eventually he gave in, and now finds himself sitting on a nice little nestegg.

In the end, he decided not to sell, and instead is planning to market the idea worldwide, to any nation where they have a) schools and b) an internet presence. It'll never work, of course...

In the meantime, the moral of this story for the downtrodden masses of married men is ignore your wife's nagging at your peril. I'm off to launch PutTheToiletSeatDown.com - somehow I don't think my missus has got profitable nagging sussed just yet...
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Posted 1:23 PM by Dr_Rock
I can't let today pass without making reference to this.
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Posted 8:26 PM by Dr_Rock
Having read Robert Rankin's Web Site Story (incidentally a Christmas present from my three-year-old son who wanted to buy it because it "has a 'puter on the front and Daddy works with 'puters" - not that you'd guess from my ability to produce a decent blog!!), I was reminded of several movie themes, including The Thirteenth Floor, parts of Total Recall and even Red Dwarf's Better Than Life, in which life as we know it could be a computer game or simulation being run by a greater power.

This in turn reminded me of a boy I was at school with, who aged 14 would tell people that we were all just figments of his imagination, and that none of us really existed. Most thought him a little strange, but perhaps he was just years ahead of the rest of us. Though if he were right, he must have had a pretty odd imagination, seeing as he suffered a dreadful bout of bullying (or indeed a bout of dreadful bullying) for a time. Or perhaps that was my imagination...

Personally I think the only person capable of producing a computer game that produces life as we know it would be Bill Gates - and I'm waiting for Life SP1 to come out - George Dubya has to be a bug, surely?
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Posted 3:58 PM by Dr_Rock
Over the last couple of weeks, the letters page of my local newspaper has been dealing with the allegedly contentious issue of whether or not able-bodied drivers should have their cars clamped when they park in disabled spaces. This is sadly indicative of the people who live in this town, for the two factors to be considered when parking the car are (1) cost, and (2) distance to the destination.

I have seen countless drivers attempting to shoe-horn their cars - at great risk to the car and their insurance premiums - into spaces no more than 12 inches longer than the vehicle in order to save themselves walking too far, whilst 50 yards away the road is empty. Needless to say the time it takes to park is far greater than the time it takes to walk 50 yards...

No doubt these are the same drivers that insist on driving the kids - preferably in 4x4s - the 300 yards to school; and for whom treble-parking in front of an ambulance in the process is an occupational hazard. Never mind the London Congestion Charge - stick a congestion charge on the school gates and watch education authorities have not only enough money to spend on books, but enough to give each kid the top-quality wallpaper necessary to cover them in. Either that or watch the drive to work make half-term holidays look like the M25 rush hour...
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Posted 10:47 AM by Dr_Rock
I finally got around to watching Jurassic Park III last night. Top quality special effects, dreadful storyline. Since the last film, Dr Alan Grant (Sam Neill) has been promoting the idea that velociraptors are more intelligent than primates and dolphins. His hypothesis is that had dinosaurs not been wiped out, the 'raptors could well have evolved into a more intelligent species than man. Not so intelligent, it seems, to have seen the scriptwriters coming and have declined this film in preference for I'm A Celebrity (Dinosaur), Get Me Out Of Here.
The 'raptors were able to communicate their needs to one another - indeed I swear I heard one saying "Get my agent on the 'phone - tell him next time I see him, I'm gonna eat him" after being landed with a storyline more preposterous than the Ph.D. thesis of Professor Preposterous, Chair of the department of Preposterousness at Oxford University.
Suffice it to say that the 14-year old boy missing on the dinosaur-infested Isla Sorna for eight weeks managed to survive (with the aid of some T-Rex urine - no doubt the creature had wet himself laughing at the plot) and the only victims were those that always die in the best tradition of the-unknown-character-in-the-Star-Trek-away-team...

10/10 for Stan Winston, 0/10 for the storyliners...
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Posted 8:29 AM by Dr_Rock
A while ago, a colleague of mine won himself a Compaq iPaq simply by replying to a survey from his ISP. I decided that online surveys and competitions were a good way to fund a gadget habit that my wife (and my income) was just not prepared to sustain. So armed with a disposable e-mail address and a list of links, I completed the surveys and waited for the prizes to flood in.
Last week, I had my first win. A plasma TV? No. A DVD player? No. A sports car? Not exactly, no - my prize was a four inch squashy plastic model of the Delorean car used in the Back To The Future films. Not just that, though - it came with the advisory "Squeeze me - I light up". And indeed it did. Well, I say light up, the lights were clearly powered by a treadmill driven by two asthmatic ants carrying some heavy shopping.
I would have preferred to have won the Back To The Future DVD boxset that was the advertised prize, but beggars can't be choosers, huh? What worries me though is that having won this prize, I now have to take my place at the back of the competition-winning queue whilst those around me fill their homes with goodies worthy of the postage...
Makes me positively thankful for that video of National Lampoon's Vacation I won from the Mirror in 1980-odd...
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Posted 7:59 PM by Dr_Rock
George Dubya today announced undeniable proof linking Al-Qaeda with Iraq...
They both contain the letter "Q".
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Posted 7:29 PM by Dr_Rock
It simply isn't cricket

While England were receiving a Cricket World Cup thrashing by India, it seems Chris Cairns and his New Zealand team-mates were getting involved in a thrashing of their own. The irony of this was that at the time, they should have playing against Kenya - a game they boycotted because of civil unrest in the host country.
In a tit-for-tat exchange, the Kenyans have announced the withdrawal of their top lap-dancing troupe from a proposed tour of Auckland nightclubs, in the belief that they're better off taking their chances on the streets of Nairobi.

W.G. Grace would turn in his grave...
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